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Charlie’s Soap Box: Three-a-day may keep heart attacks during sex away

By Charlie Charalambous

If you were glued to the football transfer window, there may have been a few important scientific breakthroughs that you missed.

While you were agonising about Sanchez, Costa and Coutinho – Canadian research revealed that three portions of fruit and veg a day is just as healthy as five. I’m a stickler for my five fruit and veg, so being told I only needed to consume a daily intake of three gave me some tough choices.

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What would I leave behind – pears, broccoli, apples? There is a caveat to the three-a-day revelation – the portion size has to be larger. If you are planning on living longer it will need some giant bananas and cucumbers to get you through the day. And if the Canadians are to be believed, healthy portions of fruit and veg could cut death rates by a fifth.

Keeping on the topic of health there are some other amazing discoveries that explain our lifestyle choices and strange behaviour. Experts say that heart attacks during sex are four times more deadly because partners are too embarrassed to call for help.

This maybe so, but some people might not know the difference because their loved ones hardly move when doing the business anyway. Apparently only one in eight victims survived while getting down and dirty compared to those doing sporting activities. While everyone is naked when things go wrong in the bedroom, they are too shy to call the neighbours.

The trick is for more people to know first aid and to do CPR on the victim straight away. Maybe this is what you should look for in a prospective date when swiping dating apps like Tinder.

I’m not sure whether to believe this, but those who complete a three-year university degree course are 33% less likely to suffer heart failure – that’s something to think about while you’re still unemployed.

You might want to look away for my next health warning, especially if you enjoy binging on Netflix and other TV box sets like Game of Thrones, Walking Dead and Suits. Binge-watching makes you age faster than a character in Vikings.

As one US researcher said: “Watching TV is one of the most dangerous things older people can do.” If you can’t have sex and watch TV when you’re old – WTF.

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